I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
