I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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