I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
