I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
