Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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