Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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