My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
