Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
