Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
