I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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