I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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