Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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