I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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