i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
