you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
