Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
