wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
