No awkward lesbian experiences without me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
