I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
