Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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