Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
