i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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