You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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