oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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