I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
