I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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