: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
