u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
