there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
