youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
