my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
