you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I am one with the molecules
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
