I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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