i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
