she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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