Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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