I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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