i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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