proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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