i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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