He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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