So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
