bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
