I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
