Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
