your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
