I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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