The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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