There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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