My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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