i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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