the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
