HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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