I think i peed on brittanys purse
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
