if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's get the cat blown out
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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