cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."