i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
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Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual