Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!