Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
