He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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