why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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