You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
