I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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