i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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